Art ~ Writing ~ Life

From Handprints To Footprints

Sunday Smiles

February 28, 2016
Steve Campbell

With February ending tomorrow, I look forward to sunnier days to end my winter blues.

I find amusing things to laugh at when Old Man Winter scares away the sun and keeps life dark and cold. Here are three favorite funny pieces I found during the winter that made me smile, chuckle, and even belly laugh.

* * *

An odd phenomenon happens a lot at a store I work at. I call it the Retailers’ Law of Aggravation: As soon as you find a product you really like, the store will stop selling it.

* * *

An octogenarian couple toddled into the local McDonald’s and ordered a Happy Meal. The wife carefully cut the hamburger in two and began to eat half. The husband respectfully sat and watched. The eating didn’t progress quickly, and soon the other customers near the couple’s table noticed the old man without any food, watching the woman eat. One helpful person offered to buy the man another meal. The offer was rejected with the explanation, “We share everything.” Eventually, another couple could stand it no longer and made the same offer. They received the same rejection: “No thank you, we share everything.” And so, the wife ate and the old man watched for quite a while. Finally, one bystander could no longer stand it and quizzed the man, “Why aren’t you eating? What are you waiting for?” To which the old man replied, “The teeth.”

* * *

Many have probably seen these in a book called Disorder in the American Courts, of things people actually said in court, recorded verbatim and published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges between attorneys and witnesses took place.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Before Cell Phones

August 9, 2012
Steve Campbell

1982 was a time before cell phones as we know them now. Most of us were unable to afford the monstrosities at our local electronics store, so we settled for talking to friends on our CB radio in the car or waiting until we got home to use the house phone for the long distance calls. It was fairly common to see someone rushing home for an expectant important call, and it was this behavior I based the following Louie & Bruce cartoon.

"Phone Calls"

Basketball Blues

August 9, 2012
Steve Campbell

Based on a true event, this is a been-there-done-that comic strip from my high school days and drawn later (1983), and features Bruce from my Louie and Bruce comic. Here I’ve exaggerated Bruce’s short height with the tall basketball players. There were always those taller, faster, more athletic kids at school who hogged the ball while kids less fortunate waited their chance to “shoot some hoops.” When Bruce gets his chance, the ball has no life left in it. Lifeless is a good description of the basketballs at my school from 1969 to 1975.

From the Sawmill

August 9, 2012
Steve Campbell

Retro Louie & Bruce from May 1982. Here, Frank and Bruce are inside the sawmill. We see them with Bruce’s old radio. Notice the cassette player. Mine was older; it had 8-track.

3 Silly Louie and Bruce Panels

July 16, 2012
Steve Campbell

I recently discovered the following Louie and Bruce strips in storage. They were drawn in June 1982 and published five years later in a local newspaper, then put away as I went on to do other things. Each strip was drawn in blue pencil on a drawing panel, then inked with quills and brushes and India ink. I can still smell the distinctive eye-watering odor of that ink when I hold a panel close to my nose.

Panel 1

I can’t take full credit for this joke. It was a running gag at the sawmill where my Louie and Bruce comic strip was born.

Panel 2

Leroy and his talking dog Ernie were occasional characters in my Louie and Bruce comics. Here, they tell a gag every farm kid knows by heart.

Panel 3

Old, but still able to make me chuckle; this is one of my favorite baseball gags.

Cartooning, Years Ago

July 8, 2012
Steve Campbell

The first Louie and Bruce comic I drew in 1981. I found it inside a box and among drawings and papers from years ago, back when all I wanted to do was be a professional cartoonist. But then I discovered the power of painting soon afterwards and I zoomed off in another direction.

Conroy’s Corner – Water Skiing

April 3, 2012
Steve Campbell

Conroy Waterskiing

Conroy’s Corner – Baseball

March 26, 2012
Steve Campbell

Conroy Baseball

Conroy’s Corner – English

March 18, 2012
Steve Campbell

Conroy English

Conroy’s Corner – Football

March 10, 2012
Steve Campbell

Conroy Football

Conroy’s Corner – Hot

March 2, 2012
Steve Campbell

Conroy Hot

Conroy’s Corner

February 23, 2012
Steve Campbell

Conroy’s Corner, a Comic Strip:

I was 29 when I began majoring in art at college, and I was eleven years older than my classmates. The college’s administration labeled me an adult student because … well, because my 18-year-old nonequivalent classmates’ physical growth hadn’t stopped and they were intellectually shy—very shy—attaining maturity needed to be responsible. Thus, shuttled to classes at a satellite campus for older degree-seeking students, I wasn’t part of the mainstream campus life. From that exclusion the genesis of Conroy’s Corner occurred.

I drew Conroy’s Corner from 1987 to 1989 while I observed college life from the outside looking in. I founded a newspaper at the satellite campus and published my cartoons there. We who had attained maturity became an audience for the plights of Bruce Conroy who was part of the mainstream college life and fell shy understanding the dilemma of someone encaged by the unimaginative and conformist academia establishment.

Conroy Protest

Louie and Bruce – Snowman Critic

February 15, 2012
Steve Campbell

Frank - Critic

Louie and Bruce – Snowball Decked

February 7, 2012
Steve Campbell

Frank - Snowball

Louie and Bruce – Safe Driving

January 30, 2012
Steve Campbell

Frank and Leroy - Driving

Louie and Bruce – Talking Dog

January 22, 2012
Steve Campbell

Leroy and Ernie - Talk

Injecting Humor Into Political Correctness

January 6, 2012
Steve Campbell

From a friend:

Due to the intense climate of us all speaking politically correct, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as HILLBILLIES. We must now refer to them as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

Furthermore, a woman is not a BABE or a CHICK … she’s a BREASTED AMERICAN. She’s not EASY … she’s HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE. She’s not a DUMB BLONDE … she’s a LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY. She hasn’t BEEN AROUND … she’s a PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION. She doesn’t NAG you … she’s VERBALLY REPETITIVE. She’s not a TWO-BIT HOOKER … she’s a LOW COST PROVIDER.

And finally, you don’t have a BEER GUT … you have developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. You’re not a BAD DANCER … you’re OVERLY CAUCASIAN. You don’t GET LOST ALL THE TIME … you INVESTIGATE ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. You’re not BALDING … you’re in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. You’re not a TOTAL JERK … you simply developed a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION. And it’s not a BUTT CRACK you see … it’s REAR CLEAVAGE.

Thanks Lola. You made me laugh.

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