We Own Your Ass

We, the marketing corporations of the world, would like to ease some of your financial burdens as we force you to shop our stores out of commercial necessity.

The following list should ease some of those buying burdens.

The key is timing your purchases:

  • September—The best deals on school clothes are at the end of the month. Hold off until then and you’ll save big, unless we decide to keep prices up.
  • October—This is the month to do your Christmas shopping. Do your Christmas shopping now, damn it!
  • November—Wool and fur clothes, including coats and suits come down significantly this month. We promise to keep PETA at bay with our artificial attire to make your shopping experience as pleasant as possible.
  • December—This is a good time to buy or lease a new car. Just remember to keep your credit score in good standing. Flaggers will be flogged on the spot.
  • January—Traditional after Christmas and New Year bargains include suits, linens (white sale), appliances, and furniture. But only on imported merchandise, so buy up that crap so we don’t have to freight it back!
  • February—The season of love brings with it big reductions on china, glass, silver, mattresses, and bedding. You know you don’t want to disappoint your lover. Ahem! I said YOU DON’T WANT TO DISAPPOINT YOUR LOVER!
  • March—Watch for special preseason promotions for spring clothing. We’ll do our best to make sure you don’t miss them.
  • April—Sales begin again after the Easter holiday, especially on clothing. Buying socks and underwear is almost a steal. But don’t steal. I mean it!
  • May—Spring cleaning means specials on household cleaning products. Purchase $100 or more and we’ll split the cost of your ambulance trip to the ER.
  • June—Shop for furniture. Semiannual inventory is on the way in. Old items must go. Right now!
  • July—Sportswear, sporting equipment, and garden tools and supplies take noticeable dips. Unless we find it necessary to increase prices. You know we can.
  • August—lf you are in the market for a car, August is clearance time on current models, especially the ones cluttering the lots. Also: Look for deals on patio furniture, lawn mowers, yard tools and camping gear. You’ll want to clutter up your garage and basement quickly before those prices skyrocket again.

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